Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
