dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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