I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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