hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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