sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Bring me that man meat
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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