Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
