I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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