I could make wine with my vomit
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
