dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
