My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
