Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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