That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
