At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
