wat bout pragnant strippers??
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
