I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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