i was born a porn star she said
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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