I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
