John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
