also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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