i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
