Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
