She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize