Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I want a musical about memes.
Panties = found
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
