Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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