hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
