Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
