I hate all girls vehemently.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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