apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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