I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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