Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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