Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
