when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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