i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My life is pants optional.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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