Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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