She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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