A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
my shit smells like andre
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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