last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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