my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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