I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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