I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize