i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
