He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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