Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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