I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
