I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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