at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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