Your tits are I can't wait for
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
