My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
