Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
