My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
