ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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