I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
