im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
