I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He is an equal opportunity slut.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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