This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
