I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
