I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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