I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
