Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
