He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
