i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
